{"id":4002,"date":"2011-01-12T14:37:22","date_gmt":"2011-01-12T19:37:22","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/andrewbaseman.com\/blog\/?p=4002"},"modified":"2016-05-17T11:55:02","modified_gmt":"2016-05-17T15:55:02","slug":"the-china-mender-by-thomas-hood-c-1832","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/blog.andrewbaseman.com\/?p=4002","title":{"rendered":"“The China-Mender” by Thomas Hood, c.1832"},"content":{"rendered":"

This amusing poem, written by British poet and humorist Thomas Hood, Esq. (1799-1845), first appeared at http:\/\/www.luxtime.su\/<\/font><\/a> in The Royal Lady’s Magazine (their motto: “Our ambition is to raise the female mind of England to its true level”) London, January 1832.<\/p>\n

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Photo courtesy of The National Portrait Gallery<\/a>, London<\/p>\n

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THE CHINA-MENDER<\/strong><\/p>\n

Good-Morning, Mr. What-d’ye-call! Well! here’s another pretty job!<\/p>\n

Lord help my Lady!\u2014what a smash!\u2014if you had only heard her sob!<\/p>\n

It was all through Mr. Lambert: but for certain he was winey,<\/p>\n

To think for to go to sit down on a table full of Chiney.<\/p>\n

“Deuce take your stupid head!” says my Lady to his very face;<\/p>\n

But politeness, you know, is nothing when there’s Chiney in the case;<\/p>\n

And if ever a woman was fond of Chiney to a passion,<\/p>\n

It’s my mistress, and all sorts of it, whether new or old fashion.<\/p>\n

Her brother’s a sea-captain, and brings her home shiploads\u2014<\/p>\n

Such bronzes, and such dragons, and nasty squatting things like toads;<\/p>\n

And great nidnoddin’ mandarins, with palsies in the head:<\/p>\n

I declare I’ve often dreamt of them, and had nightmares in my bed.<\/p>\n

But the frightfuller they are\u2014lawk! she loves them all the better,<\/p>\n

She’d have Old Nick himself made of Chiney if they’d let her.<\/p>\n

Lawk-a-mercy! break her Chiney, and it’s breaking her very heart;<\/p>\n

If I touched it, she would very soon say, “Mary, we must part.”<\/p>\n

To be sure she is unlucky: only Friday comes Master Randall,<\/p>\n

And breaks a broken spout, and fresh chips a tea-cup handle:<\/p>\n

He’s a dear, sweet little child, but he will so finger and touch,<\/p>\n

And that’s why my Lady doesn’t take to children much.<\/p>\n

Well, there’s stupid Mr. Lambert, with his two greatcoat flaps.<\/p>\n

Must go and sit down on the Dresd’n shepherdesses’ laps,<\/p>\n

As if there was no such things as rosewood chairs in the room!<\/p>\n

I couldn’t have made a greater sweep with the handle of the broom.<\/p>\n

Mercy on us! how my mistress began to rave and tear!<\/p>\n

Well, after all, there’s nothing like good ironstone ware for wear.<\/p>\n

If ever I marry, that’s flat, I’m sure it won’t be John Dockery\u2014<\/p>\n

I should be a wretched woman in a shop full of crockery.<\/p>\n

I should never like to wipe it, though I love to be neat and tidy,<\/p>\n

And afraid of meat on market-days every Monday and Friday<\/p>\n

I’m very much mistook if Mr. Lambert’s will be a catch;<\/p>\n

The breaking the Chiney will be the breaking-off of his own match.<\/p>\n

Missis wouldn’t have an angel, if he was careless about Chiney;<\/p>\n

She never forgives a chip, if it’s ever so small and tiny.<\/p>\n

Lawk! I never saw a man in all my life in such a taking;<\/p>\n

I could find it in my heart to pity him for all his mischief-making.<\/p>\n

To see him stand a-hammering and stammering like a zany;<\/p>\n

But what signifies apologies, if they won’t mend old Chaney!<\/p>\n

If he sent her up whole crates full, from Wedgwood’s and Mr. Spode’s,<\/p>\n

He couldn’t make amends for the crack’d mandarins and smash’d toads.<\/p>\n

Well! every one has their tastes, but, for my part, my own self,<\/p>\n

I’d rather have the figures on my poor dear grandmother’s old shelf<\/p>\n

A nice pea-green poll-parrot, and two reapers with brown ears of corns,<\/p>\n

And a shepherd with a crook after a lamb with two gilt horns,<\/p>\n

And such a Jemmy Jessamy in top-boots and sky-blue vest,<\/p>\n

And a frill and flower’d waistcoat, with a fine bow-pot at the breast.<\/p>\n

God help her, poor old soul! I shall come into ’em at her death;<\/p>\n

Though she’s a hearty woman for her years, except her shortness of breath.<\/p>\n

Well! you may think the things will mend\u2014if they won’t, Lord mend us all!<\/p>\n

My lady will go in fits, and Mr. Lambert won’t need to call;<\/p>\n

I’ll be bound in any money, if I had a guinea to give,<\/p>\n

He won’t sit down again on Chiney the longest day he has to live.<\/p>\n

Poor soul! I only hope it won’t forbid his banns of marriage;<\/p>\n

Or he’d better have sat behind on the spikes of my Lady’s carriage.<\/p>\n

But you’ll join ’em all of course, and stand poor Mr. Lambert’s friend,<\/p>\n

I’ll look in twice a day, just to see, like, how they mend.<\/p>\n

To be sure it is a sight that might draw tears from dogs and cats,<\/p>\n

Here’s this pretty little pagoda, now, has lost four of its cocked hats.<\/p>\n

Be particular with the pagoda: and then here’s this pretty bowl\u2014<\/p>\n

The Chinese Prince is making love to nothing because of this hole;<\/p>\n

And here’s another Chinese man, with a face just like a doll,<\/p>\n

Do stick his pigtail on again, and just mend his parasol.<\/p>\n

But I needn’t tell you what to do, only do it out of hand,<\/p>\n

And charge whatever you like to charge\u2014my Lady won’t make a stand.<\/p>\n

Well! good-morning, Mr. What-d’ye-call, for it’s time our gossip ended:<\/p>\n

And you know the proverb, the less as is said, the sooner the Chiney’s mended.<\/p>\n

Click here to see wich is the best food for the pit bull<\/font><\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This amusing poem, written by British poet and humorist Thomas Hood, Esq. (1799-1845), first appeared at http:\/\/www.luxtime.su\/ in The Royal Lady’s Magazine (their motto: “Our ambition is to raise the female mind of England to its true level”) London, January 1832. Photo courtesy of The National Portrait Gallery, London THE CHINA-MENDER Good-Morning, Mr. What-d’ye-call! Well! […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[156,153],"tags":[19],"class_list":["post-4002","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-artworkphotograph","category-publication","tag-english"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/blog.andrewbaseman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4002","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/blog.andrewbaseman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/blog.andrewbaseman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/blog.andrewbaseman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/blog.andrewbaseman.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4002"}],"version-history":[{"count":20,"href":"http:\/\/blog.andrewbaseman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4002\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":10984,"href":"http:\/\/blog.andrewbaseman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4002\/revisions\/10984"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/blog.andrewbaseman.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4002"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/blog.andrewbaseman.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4002"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/blog.andrewbaseman.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4002"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}